…and I’m still counting.

I just finished watching “The Love Affair,” and I am now in the middle of “First Love (A Crazy Thing Called Love).” These films are two of my most favorite romance films. I have been watching a lot of those lately because for 50 days, I have been trying to do everything there is to do to try to get over a break up.

I have tried staying in for two days. I have tried going out and staying up late. I have tried watching cheesy Tagalog films. I have tried binge-ing and I have tried dieting. I have cried myself to sleep. I have tried drowning myself in work. I have posted emo messages and status updates. I have become addicted to Facebook games which I was so against before. Yes, I have tried almost everything there is to do when one is depressed or heartbroken. Kulang na lang mag-droga ako.

Last weekend, we saw each other and it was then that I realized he was right. That we are not for each other. That while there is nothing fundamentally wrong with each one of us, it could have never worked out. I could have stayed in that flawed relationship for a long time, trying to make it work. But I think we did the right think. And I hope he was right.

Reading back our messages to each other makes me sad, and while I wouldn’t even deny that I still love him, I do not think it will be healthy for either or both of us to be together. Maybe years from now, when we have both changed and feel more secure with ourselves, we might have a chance to make it work. But not right now.

At this stage, I don’t really miss him. But I miss us and how comfortable and secure I felt when we were together. It felt good to know that no matter how good or bad my day was, no matter what happened in my life, there’s someone who will be there to accept me, to listen to me, and comfort me.

Growing up, I never dreamt of wearing a white dress and getting married in a lavish ceremony. I didn’t want and am still not ready to have kids but I always yearned for acceptance and unconditional love. And this is what I still look for, acceptance and unconditional love. Somebody who will make me feel secure, a relationship that will give me what I need. I do not dream of getting married and of having children, but I hope to love and be loved.

It’s been 50 days. I can’t say I’m over him or that I have moved on. But I know we’re both better off apart right now. I don’t wish for us to be together anymore, but I do long for a relationship like we had.

It might have been just 3 months, but those three months changed me so much. Not because he told me to change, but because he made me realize I am much better than I thought, that I deserve more. I might not have drastically changed to become the perfect good girl I should be but I am trying.

Believe me, I am trying.

29 years old and I haven’t had a long term relationship and the only functional relationship I had lasted only 3 months. It’s kinda sad really, but I realize it’s because I choose the wrong guys for the wrong reasons.

I won’t be settling anymore. If and when the right guy who deserves me comes along, it will happen. For now, I’m just going to try to have fun while getting past this break up.

It’s Day 50 and I can’t wait for the day to come when I stop counting.