My intoxication has just subsided as I write this. But expect rage and angst.

I read this Bob Ong quote in the signature line of an email message I received:

“Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap nasa bilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang makasama ka.” – Bob Ong

Translation:
The hard part of being alone is not in sadness or fear, but in the realization that among the many billion people in this world, nobody fought to be with you.

Duuuude, that hurt! A LOT! OUCH! YAYAY!

And you know why it hurts? Because it’s true. FUCK THAT SHIT!

While I am mostly happy with my life (great career, supportive family, and fun friends), I sometimes ask myself why the eff am I alone? Why is it no guy seems to think I am good enough for them to love me and take care of me? Am I that bad? At the risk of sounding narcissistic and mayabang, I think not.

I mean, come on, I know I have a reputation for being a mean, aggressive girl that’s too much to handle, but dammit I am a good girlfriend. Ask the fucktards I dated. They’d tell you I took care of them well, even if they didn’t deserve it.

I took care of their needs, and was always there for them when they needed me. No matter how busy my life was, and no matter how stressed I was, I was always there for them. But I was never clingy or demanding and I never asked for anything.

Then, why do I end up being alone?

An ex told me that what I have is a packaging problem. Parang produktong mina-marketing lang. LOL! The good guys are scared that I’m too bad for them, and the bad boys quickly realize I’m much to nice to be hurt. HUH?! Seriously?

He said that the good guys who deserve me are intimidated by my personality and my lifestyle, that I am much too aggressive, loud-mouthed and in your face. That I have too many vices and attract too much attention. Too independent for me to need them.

And the bad guys? They think they can have me but when they get too close, they realize I am not who I seem to be. Modesty aside, I treated all the guys I dated nicely. I wouldn’t even think of dating them if I didn’t like them, that’s prolly why. And I took damn good care of them. And they got scared of that. They say when they see how good I really am, they realize I don’t deserve their shittiness and that they want me to be with someone who deserves me.

ANO BA?!

Seriously, I’ve heard these shit more than once. On different occasions. Said by the different guys I dated or by close guy friends.

I have been working on being the girl my ideal guy would date. My ideal guy would be one who is smart, good-looking, and a great conversationalist who would love me and take care of me. So I’d expect him to want somebody the same, right? An attractive and smart girl who can go toe to toe with him in conversations, love him sincerely, and take good care of him.

The past few months, I have been working hard on various projects and events. Thus, much less drinking, much less poker, and yes, a more mellow and pleasant Ria. And yes, I take good care of my men. ASK THEM! I kid you not.

But what do I get? Nothing. Only disappointments and frustrations. Because my ideal guy, the one I really want and would turn the world over for chose to pick the girl I would never be. A trashy, shallow bimbo who’s not even hot enough to be compared to me. *Pardon the harsh words, I’m angry.*

And here I am, on a Friday night/Saturday morning. Alone. Not sad, but confused. Trying to accept that guys are inherently stupid. And by some cruel stroke of fate, I was born attractive, smart, and assertive, exactly what my ideal guy doesn’t want. That no matter how hard I work, how much I love and care sincerely and whole-heartedly, I end up alone.

Seriously, I need to know people… why do smart guys pick stupid girls? Is it because those girls make them feel like they’re smart and superior? Is it because they want the security of knowing they will always win an argument? Is it because those girls feed their egos? I NEED ANSWERS!

Aren’t intellectually stimulating conversations, smart and balanced discussions, and assertiveness more challenging and attractive? NO?! FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!

I don’t need comfort or encouragement, not even a promise of a better man waiting for me. What I need is an answer? Why do smart guys pick stupid girls? Generally, I mean. Undoubtedly there are smart guys who pick smart girls. Good for them.

I know I’m not perfect. But come on, don’t insult me by saying those bimbos are better than me. DUH!

I NEED ANSWERS! WHYYYYY?! Tell me they’re just being stupid.

So I can at least comfort myself with the thought that there’s really nothing wrong with me. Guys just don’t have the balls to fight to be my man. Or maybe they just aren’t that smart at all. 😛