Last Sunday, the most important tournament in my poker life was going to take place. Imagine working hard for and anticipating a tournament for three months. It was supposed to be intense and stressful.

Surprisingly, I was calm and relaxed.

Until… I saw my ex walk in. GAAAAH! Let’s call him ex-R.

We have had an agreement that he would try to inform me everytime he would go someplace I would probably be in and I would do the same. Needless to say, his early evening visit to the poker club came without a warning. He only visited the poker club on early evenings when we dated.

More surprisingly, his gf was not with him. GAAAAH! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!

So I became distracted and as poker players would say, I was on tilt.

We are friends, my ex and I. In fact, we would sometimes send SMS to each other to ask or consult about work-related stuff. But, I was caught off-guard. And yes, I was shocked by how much I was affected by his presence.

You know what was even more disturbing? He was seated and played beside another guy I dated whom we shall refer to as ex-A. And they were both positioned right at my line of sight. And being that I was in a tournament, I had no way of changing seats. WTF?!

More disturbing was that they seem to be chatting with each other. And having a good time. I sent an SMS to ex-A informing him that ex-R is my ex. You know how A reacted? He laughed. LOL!

It was a very unsettling situation in an already high-pressure, tense situation. Needless to say, I performed poorly in the tournament.

Worse thing was I cried. After I got eliminated, I went to the restroom and cried like a little baby because well, I apparently, still love my ex and despite our efforts to be friends and act normally around each other, I am still greatly affected by his presence.

I cried more than I did right after we broke up. One of my girl friends who was in the restroom told me: “I never imagined you to be the type of girl who would cry over a guy.”

After I had calmed down a bit, I called up a guy friend to ask if he can accompany me to got out and drink. And then I started crying again. Uncontrollably. It was embarrassing. My friend told me I shouldn’t be weak and I should stop crying. He told me I was made of sterner stuff.

It wasn’t the first time that I saw ex-R after our break up. But it was the first time I saw him alone. And in a situation that reminded me of our happy times. He only went to the poker club on early evenings to visit or see me. Other than, he usually went to the poker club very late, when he was already very drunk. And it was always with his gf.

And yes, he looked good last Sunday. Better than most of the other times I saw him in the past months.

So I was shaken. I was reminded of how much I love him and how much struggle we went through. I was reminded that even if I loved him dearly and sincerely, I was not enough.

Haaay…

We did text each other after he went home, told each other how good the other looked. He told me he had gone there just to while the time away with his friends. And with that I had a feeling why he was alone.

True enough, last Monday, one of his best buddies told me that ex-R had broken up with his gf.

I think I’m gonna be seeing him more of him nowadays. That’s a very disturbing thought. I don’t know if I should be happy or sad about that.

I am sincerely happy that he finally has the chance to breath, to enjoy himself, to be with his friends, to enjoy a hobby.

But then again, how would that affect me? I’m hoping we can finally be real friends as ex-A and I are. Sincere. Loving. No agenda. No motives.

I am not ready to have my heart broken again, but I’m always ready to be friends. Ours, I think, would be a friendship that will last a long time. After all, we share a lot of the same interests and we understand each other a lot.

And I love being friends with my ex-es and the guys I dated. Especially, those who broke my heart or caused me pain because they’re the ones who usually end up spoiling me coz they regret letting go of me and they realize I deserve better from them. 😛

And I know, months or years from now, we’re probably going to look back and laugh at what happened last Sunday.