“Ok lang ako,” that’s what I say when I am not fine but don’t want people to know. Growing up, I was brought up to do as I please, say what I want, and not to be shy. But something happened along the way and I learn to be less like myself and say things I don’t mean.
And until now, I would answer “Ok lang ako,” even when I’m hurting so bad, even when I am struggling, even when there’s nothing more I want to do except lie in bed and stop living.
Nowadays, I say that line more often. “Ok lang ako.” Even when I am not. Because I do not want people to fuss. I do not want people to think I am weak, that I cannot handle myself, that I do stupid things. I know I am not perfect, nobody is. But I do not want people to see me for who I really am… weak and lonely. I know that’s not all I am right now. But that’s how I feel.
And this blog post, it’s nothing more than a confession that I am starting to crumble… near my breaking point. That no… hindi ako ok. I have to stop saying “ok lang ako.”
The only thing I think I can do now is focus on work. Do things to keep me busy, forget that sh*t has happened, that I have been stupid. Accept that I am not ok. And much as I try hard to be ok, to accept things, it’s more complicated than it really is. It’s not just about me and him.
As always, as everything in my life. It always is complicated. I am not ok, but I’m trying to be. Because even if I am not ok, even if I finally admit to myself that I am not as strong as I think I am, the world will not stop revolving just to pat my back and make me feel ok.
I have asked myself, and the world a thousand times (maybe even more than a million times), WHY?! I don’t think I am not so evil as not to deserve a little happiness, right?
I will continue to trudge forward, work, live my life, learns from everything. Continue not to expect anything in return as my expectations have always failed me. But I will hope. Hope that somewhere along the way, I will be happy. I will be ok. And not just say “Ok lang ako,” but actually mean it.
Nakita na po kita 1st kita ko sau parang “maldita” ka…
Pero now alam ko nah mabait ka din paLa.. hehe ..
Lagi kita nakikita sa mEtro ate Ria… hehe.. iDol nga kita eh kc ang tapaNg moh po…
INGAT po olwez,,,
God BleSs …
eLy
Put God in ur hEaRt aTe Ria im sure ur olwez ok and happy… hehe cnxa kNa po sa english ko .. ^_^
Geh po tc olwez..
and God bLess!
Cant resist not to post comment coz I say this words palagi sa family ko so they wont worry about me.
Hi Ma, been reading your mind here. I’d say happiness is so hard to find but believing that we will eventually find it will keep us from breaking. Just want to say, “Every little thing is gonna be all right.” You take care always. 🙂
@Allan It’s what we always tell others when we don’t want them to know how we really are. 🙁
@Kim Hope so.
when people ask me if i’m ok, and i am not..i ask them back with..
‘may magagawa ka ba kung sabihin kong hindi?’
it’ll make them wonder and laugh at you(in a good way) saying, ’emo ka na naman ba?’
That’s the normal answer. I also answer the same when I am asked. I think the true answer to the question can be found in one’s eyes. I think eyes are windows to our souls and sometimes, it cannot lie.