These past few weeks have been good ones, but somehow, my smiles are forced and fake. I can’t sleep well, and I avoid being alone.
Kuya Andrew has noted that even if I do look better, my smiles aren’t the same. I thought it must be caused by the heartbreak. I would like so much to blame the loneliness, sadness on him, but that would be unfair.

Despite the relative success I’ve had, and all the wonderful things happening to me and around me, I realize I’m still that broken little girl. I am that girl still waiting to be told that I am worthy, I am wanted, I am loved. No matter how many of my dreams come true I will still need that pat in the back, somebody’s approval. Even if I have accepted, let go, and moved on, a part of me will never heal.

I feel it now, more than ever. The pain, the sadness, the loneliness. As I slowly achieve my goals, reach the things I have aimed for, I still need to be assured, told over and over again, that I make people happy. I need to find it in myself, within me, my security, my confidence that I am needed in this world, that somebody wants me to be here, that I am doing a good job. I need to know and believe that my success means something to somebody else. Else, I will continue to be lonely and be nagged by this terrible feeling.

I need to find my smile again… the way I smiled back then…