Been chatting with a friend. We’ve both been through some tough times. He asked me how come people say pain and bitterness goes away with time, while his pain and bitterness continues to deepen and intensify. Sad to say, I wasn’t able to give him a direct answer. How can I when I am experiencing the same thing. Everyday, my pain and bitterness deepens and intensifies. Everyday, I think about it, and it angers me more. I hate that it is part of who I am and what I have been.
But how can I forget? How can I forgive? How can I have peace when there are no apologies being offered? No admission of mistakes, of abandonment, of inflicted pain. How can you forgive somebody who does not ask for forgiveness, who does not even acknowledge she has hurt you?
No, as I write this, I don’t see forgiveness and reconciliation in the horizon. I don’t, I simply don’t. And no, I am not ashamed that I am angry still. I am in pain, and I am bitter. I know I have made mistakes, but it is not just I who have committed mistakes. There can never be forgiveness and reconciliation if only one party is willing to accept his mistakes and shortcomings.
Call me unforgiving. Call me bitter. Call me whatever names you want, but this is what I feel. No, I cannot forgive a person who does not ask for forgiveness, no matter how long ago it was. Because her faults, her mistakes gave me so much pain and made my life hell.
I had and continue to have an unhappy life. Because I choose to be in pain, to be angry, to be bitter. It’s my choice, I know that. But it’s not my doing alone.
I know my problems now are my own doing and I blame it on nobody. My mistakes, my stupidities may have destroyed my life and what could have been. And to a certain extent, it might have affected others too. But these mistakes, do not erase the fact that I’ve been hurt, I’m in pain, and yes, I’m bitter.
I will not, will never forget, that a person has hurt me. And I will never forget everything that it resulted into… the pain, the confusion, the insecurities, the bitterness, the anger, everything… is because of what was. And I refuse to move on. I will not move on until I find it in my heart to leave all my pain and bitterness away.
I don’t know how, I don’t know when… I don’t know if I ever will.
And that, my dear, is the key to your problem.
I never take life seriously. There are many miseries in my life but I keep my worries postponing till I get into real problem. That means a BAD for me. But that is just one or two bad day.
Then I move on with my life. There are many bad people in this world. Why worry about them now. Will think of them later.
🙂 Keep smiling.
Alex
In grief (which happens not only in death but other pain), there are stages. In order for one to move on, one has to go through the pain, the anger, the denial. Then there is the moving on. Soon, all this will pass.
You say:
“It’s my choice, I know that. But it’s not my doing alone.”
Then you go:
“I know my problems now are my own doing and I blame it on nobody.”
Which one is it?
“And to a certain extent, it might have affected others too.”
Understatement of the century!!
Ria, we’re at the point where it’s gotten despicably tired and old already. Move on with life, even if it means forgetting her. It’s not worth it. Stop making excuses. Be who you’re supposed to be. Be the better person.
ur right ate ri. i’m having a hard time thinking what to say. You can get through this suffering, in one way or another. Just don’t let that pain ruin your life. Instead, make it a reason to become stronger. Batang sustagen. 😀
Life’s misfortunes are just tests for us to learn improve from those misfortunes.
It’s been my experience that peace and relief don’t just come to you out of the blue; you have to seek them.
It’s been my experience that peace and relief don’t just come to you out of the blue; you have to seek them.