Most believe that "To whom much is given," (SAY IT WITH ME!) "much is expected." But why is it some people give too little and expect too much? I used to live in a house where people were praised when they did something right or good. People were given rewards and incentives for doing well. When people did something wrong or behaved badly, they were punished, or at the very least scolded. But then, life sucks, and I was handed a rotten lemon, so I made rotten lemonade, drank it, and now I'm a bitter person. HOOOHA! ANYWAY, I moved into a house were doing well in school was not praised. Rather, it led to unusually high expectations. Awards, recognitions, and excellent performances were not applauded. It became a burden. To make things worse, those who performed less, and were weaker, were given more attention, more preferential treatment, better things. And no, I am not exaggerating or imagining things. I was actually told, among the three of us, I was favored the least because I was the smartest, the most good-looking (not my words), and had the strongest character. I always got the ones that the others didn't like or…
Category: life
Not a Good Day… YET!
I woke up with a visit from my favorite friend... dysmenorrhea. I just spent about 30 minutes under the heat of the sun... waiting for a taxi cab while holding my bag, and my laptop bag. AMF! I arrived at the office and found out that DotAStrategy.com is down. :( But the day is not over yet... I'm eating at Zakoya later for the Davao Food Trip. And the meal is a Japanese Buffet. And it's for FREE!!! YUM! Then, I'm meeting up with some of my high school boys afterwards. Oh, yeah! Do I sound like I'm being fake? Because I am. HAHA!
I'm not OK
I woke up past 7 am, after barely 2 hours of sleep. I wasn't able to sleep last night, probably because of the two cups of coffee I had yesterday, or maybe because I cried for hours last night... Oh, yeah, ladies and gentlemen... let's welcome back emo Ria. *CLAP! CLAP!* I cried for hours last night, unable to stop myself. I am not ok. In less than a week, it will be Christmas. I know that should cheer me up and give me something to look forward to. But it doesn't. It makes me feel sad and depressed, and angry. So expect more angry, emo, or angry emo posts in the coming days. I want so much to blog right now, but I can't fully grasp everything that I am thinking and feeling. All I know is I am not ok. I am not fine. I am trying to feel better, and think of things to make me feel better. But no matter how hard I try, there's nothing left for me to feel but emptiness, sadness, bitterness, and anger. I know it has been a good year, a very educational and productive year, and I should be thankful…
Is the Emo-ness Over?
I Emo Week (that sounds like a National Geoprahic Special, LOL!) over yet? Not quite. Things are better, I feel better. But the problems are here to stay. BOO YEAH! I will be a very long time before I will be totally ok. For now, let's just say I'm getting by, finding every little reason to smile, and ignoring the reasons to be sad. It was a crappy, stressful week filled with unexpected sadness. And it wasn't even that time of the month. It just so happened that epiphanies and realizations (not so good ones) hit me right and left, daily. Although the problems are still there, the pains, hurts, and wounds are still present, I am trying to make things work, to find reasons to smile and forge on. I am not yet ready to leave the past, forgive, forget, and move on. But I'm doing my best to get out of the hole I have dug. It's a long, long way to go before I can get to where I want to be, to where I should be. I have a lot of things to accomplish, a lot of problems to solve. And sometimes it stills overwhelms me.…
Weak
Things are starting to unravel. And I am not as strong as people think. I am not as strong as I used to think. I am weak. Weak in character, weak in spirit. It's hard accepting the fact that I cannot handle things. Despite my determination, and all the planning, and working, I am not well. I made very bad decisions and I am paying for it. I am not even mourning the lost time, lost resources, lost opportunities. I am mourning the damaged relationships, and lost trust. And I know it's my fault. I have worked so hard, and yet led myself to destruction. I am slowly losing a lot of what I have worked hard for. But I have nobody to blame but myself. Despite past pains, this time... I know... I dug my own hole, and digging it deeper by the moment.
Pain and Bitterness
Been chatting with a friend. We've both been through some tough times. He asked me how come people say pain and bitterness goes away with time, while his pain and bitterness continues to deepen and intensify. Sad to say, I wasn't able to give him a direct answer. How can I when I am experiencing the same thing. Everyday, my pain and bitterness deepens and intensifies. Everyday, I think about it, and it angers me more. I hate that it is part of who I am and what I have been. But how can I forget? How can I forgive? How can I have peace when there are no apologies being offered? No admission of mistakes, of abandonment, of inflicted pain. How can you forgive somebody who does not ask for forgiveness, who does not even acknowledge she has hurt you? No, as I write this, I don't see forgiveness and reconciliation in the horizon. I don't, I simply don't. And no, I am not ashamed that I am angry still. I am in pain, and I am bitter. I know I have made mistakes, but it is not just I who have committed mistakes. There can never be forgiveness…