Things are starting to unravel. And I am not as strong as people think. I am not as strong as I used to think. I am weak. Weak in character, weak in spirit. It's hard accepting the fact that I cannot handle things. Despite my determination, and all the planning, and working, I am not well. I made very bad decisions and I am paying for it. I am not even mourning the lost time, lost resources, lost opportunities. I am mourning the damaged relationships, and lost trust. And I know it's my fault. I have worked so hard, and yet led myself to destruction. I am slowly losing a lot of what I have worked hard for. But I have nobody to blame but myself. Despite past pains, this time... I know... I dug my own hole, and digging it deeper by the moment.
Category: life
Pain and Bitterness
Been chatting with a friend. We've both been through some tough times. He asked me how come people say pain and bitterness goes away with time, while his pain and bitterness continues to deepen and intensify. Sad to say, I wasn't able to give him a direct answer. How can I when I am experiencing the same thing. Everyday, my pain and bitterness deepens and intensifies. Everyday, I think about it, and it angers me more. I hate that it is part of who I am and what I have been. But how can I forget? How can I forgive? How can I have peace when there are no apologies being offered? No admission of mistakes, of abandonment, of inflicted pain. How can you forgive somebody who does not ask for forgiveness, who does not even acknowledge she has hurt you? No, as I write this, I don't see forgiveness and reconciliation in the horizon. I don't, I simply don't. And no, I am not ashamed that I am angry still. I am in pain, and I am bitter. I know I have made mistakes, but it is not just I who have committed mistakes. There can never be forgiveness…
What's Keeping Me Sane These Days
Life has been sucky these past few days (weeks even), but I am still alive and sane (I think) all thanks to... 1) Twitter and all those funny, and interesting tweets and links to fabulous new blog entries 2) winning a WordPress Shirt from Noemi 3) Work - EW! 4) the boyfriend - turns out we're still a couple... YEY! LOL! 5) them Man Blog boys, and Helga, and Lauren... and all those witty bloggers 6) my YM contacts who let me bother them every so often with stupid, inane questions and discussions 7) my emo playlist 8 ) Facebook and my Facebook friends 9) Basapa's 2007 Top Pinoy ProBloggers List 10) television - luckily, I've had time to watch TV again! YEY AGAIN!
A Rollercoaster
It's so cliche to say that I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions. But that's exactly how it's been these past few days. And sad to say, I've been paralyzed to a certain extent. Proof of this is my inability to blog about my life. Sure it's been easy to blog about the stand-off, Pinoy Big Brother, shopping, my work, and those other things. But when it comes to my life, what I've been up to, what I've been feeling, the daunting challenges I face, the stupid mistakes I've made... it's just been a struggle. One moment I'm happy... or at least trying pretending to be happy, the next I'm simply miserable. I know it's my fault, and I have nobody else to blame. Well, I could blame a lot of other people, but I don't want to. It's hard accepting my mistakes. And even harder owning up to it, and correcting it. It's hard to move on, and move forward. It's difficult to wake up everyday, knowing nothing is better and it won't be for a long time. It's hard to look forward to the holidays when you know it's not going to be an easy or happy one.…
So Many Things….
...I wish I could say, blog, talk about. But I can't, wouldn't, shouldn't. I can only hope the time will come for everything to fall into place and I can finally say what I have to say. For now, this is it...
I Wanna Blog…
...but there's nothing to blog about. It's a sad day for Queen Ria... minsan lang to. :(