"Ok lang ako," that's what I say when I am not fine but don't want people to know. Growing up, I was brought up to do as I please, say what I want, and not to be shy. But something happened along the way and I learn to be less like myself and say things I don't mean. And until now, I would answer "Ok lang ako," even when I'm hurting so bad, even when I am struggling, even when there's nothing more I want to do except lie in bed and stop living. Nowadays, I say that line more often. "Ok lang ako." Even when I am not. Because I do not want people to fuss. I do not want people to think I am weak, that I cannot handle myself, that I do stupid things. I know I am not perfect, nobody is. But I do not want people to see me for who I really am... weak and lonely. I know that's not all I am right now. But that's how I feel. And this blog post, it's nothing more than a confession that I am starting to crumble... near my breaking point. That no... hindi ako…
Category: life
Maria Jose: Poster Girl
Coz I don't want the other Maria Jose to hog all the intarnets limelight for all of the Maria Joses in the world... And yes, my dream of being a Pagcor poster girl has been fulfilled... albeit unofficially... Because we were really bored and there was really good lighting and ambience at Jose Raphael Fine Coffee... Last one, for posterity... Photos taken during the Davao DigitalFilipino.com Fellowship Night. Photos and lay out by Chattee Lara.
My Cory Aquino
The media, traditional and new, have been overflowing with eulogies, tributes, and anecdotes about the late Corazon Aquino. I have never met her, nor do I know her personally. But to me, she is a great part of my life. When I was barely four years old in 1986, I learned how to do the L (for Laban) sign and I watched, like the rest of the world, while a housewife took the fight of her husband, ran for president and led the Filipinos to revolt against a dictatorship. This revolt led to, among many other things, the death of my father who then and the imprisonment of my mother. Both of them were CPP-NPA officers. I do not blame Aquino for both events. But it was her leadership that led to the fall (in my opinion) of the CPP-NPA. That, to me, is who Cory Aquino is... a housewife whose fight for democracy was far more courageous and meaningful than those who did it with arms. She may be many things, great and not so great, to many people. But to me, she is an icon. The beacon of light who showed me, and many others, that the fight…
This Girl's Life
Here I am, Saturday night with plenty of things to do and places I can go to. But I am working. This is how life has been. Lazy weekdays, hectic weekends. To make matters worse, I had a fever last night. It was a terrible one. Spent the entire night alternately trying to sleep and going to the loo to pee. It wasn't a cold night but I was having chills. I thought I was gonna be well enough this morning to attend class. But alas! I didn't have the energy to stand up and go to class. Hours later, I received a message that I had missed a class with the Chef Gene Gonzales. /wrist Around 2 pm, I woke up again. And decided I will go insane just staying inside the house. So here I am working my butt off even if I am coughing like crazy and making people think I will infect them with AH1N1. This has been my life. Weekdays are spent doing chores and work tasks, blogging, and generally doing online stuff. The past week, I have taken time out from my work and poker routine to spend time with my cousins and I…
Light the Beacons
Say No to Con Ass! Light the beacons of hope in your hometown, in your blog, wherever you can.
Loneliness
These past few weeks have been good ones, but somehow, my smiles are forced and fake. I can't sleep well, and I avoid being alone. Kuya Andrew has noted that even if I do look better, my smiles aren't the same. I thought it must be caused by the heartbreak. I would like so much to blame the loneliness, sadness on him, but that would be unfair. Despite the relative success I've had, and all the wonderful things happening to me and around me, I realize I'm still that broken little girl. I am that girl still waiting to be told that I am worthy, I am wanted, I am loved. No matter how many of my dreams come true I will still need that pat in the back, somebody's approval. Even if I have accepted, let go, and moved on, a part of me will never heal. I feel it now, more than ever. The pain, the sadness, the loneliness. As I slowly achieve my goals, reach the things I have aimed for, I still need to be assured, told over and over again, that I make people happy. I need to find it in myself, within me, my…