Dear Love,

I cannot believe I am finally doing this. And I hope I do follow through because I know I need to. This is just the first of what I think would be many. To you and to others to whom I owe my words to.

First off, I want to make it clear that I am doing this without any agenda or intention other than to say the words I have meant to say. To share my thoughts and finally let go of things.

I am a mess. I usually am… but now more than ever. And it is sad that the one person I badly want to talk to is the one person I cannot and should not talk to about it. My life has always been this comical tragedy that people would never think could happen in real life… so I guess I should not be shocked anymore that this is currently where I am at.

For now, this is all I can say… I have never thought it possible for me to be so wrong about myself and about you… about us. After decades, I finally know it has always been you. Whether by fate or chance, this pandemic made me know myself better and with that, no wait… my epiphany started even before the pandemic. Maybe one of these days, I will tell you how I have come to realize you were and still are my one great love.

It feels so liberating to finally say that. To realize and accept that I loved you and maybe you loved me, too. I still love you. I love you. But not in the same way I used to. I harbor no desire to be with you and be loved by you that way. But I love you and I might always love you.

It took me over two years to accept that truth and it has been quite the journey.

Somebody recently asked me if I regret anything about my past relationships. While we never had that kind of relationship, you were the first one I thought of. I do not regret most of what happened or did not happen between us, but I regret not telling you. I regret our unspoken words.

So maybe this is my way of saying what I have always wanted to say. There are so much more I have to say and share. And even more to think about, process, and realize.

For now, let me end with this… know that I am truly grateful to have you in my life. I love you. I hope you are as happy as I think you are. I wish you well.

 

Ma
12.05.2021
12:45 pm