Dear Love,

The past few weeks have been great. The past two days have been especially wonderful. I have been laughing and also been very productive.

But today, just a few moments ago, I read a piece of fiction that I have already previously read. I loved it when I first read it. It is a happy end to a sad story. So when I saw it again, I re-read the last few parts. But it made me sad. And suddenly, tears were about to fall. And I found it difficult to move, to lift the glass of water, to stand up. I felt weak. I do not know why. To be honest, I do not want to know why it made me sad. I have things to do.

But this, I can do to try to lessen the pain. Or numb myself. I write about it. Tell this story to you. There is nothing more than a sad story here. No lesson, no insight. Nothing new. Just me being randomly sad and not feeling ok for no particular reason.

I do not want to cry it out or sleep it off because I really want to finish what I was working on. So for now, I am embracing the sadness… but also trying my best to not let it affect my day. It is a losing battle, I think. As I write this, a bit of sadness dissipates. But it is there. That nagging pain and sadness. The urge to cry. The realization that I am not ok. The truth behind my smiles and laughter… that I feel lonely. That I am ok and merely getting by.

By writing this, I accomplish nothing really. Except maybe share the sadness I feel, make people know how I feel.

Still, I remain hopeful. Things might never get better. I might forever be lonely. Always seeking for answers and explanations. Wanting for validation and acceptance. But every now and then, a few moments, a few minutes a day, I am able to smile and laugh. Sometimes it is fake or forced. But when it is real and sincere, it sustains me for a day or so.

Maybe, that is enough for now. Because really, what else is there for me to do other than accept what is?

Let me finish what I am supposed to accomplish today. Later, maybe… I’ll allow the tears to fall as I attempt to sleep it off.

“Tulog na Mahal ko
Hayaan na muna natin ang mundong ito
‘Lika na, tulog na tayo

Tulog na Mahal ko
Wag kang lumuha, malambot ang iyong kama
Saka na mam’roblema”

Tulog Na, Ebe Dancel

Unresolved. As always. With a glimmer of hope that I will feel a bit better when I wake up.

Meanwhile, I am grateful that I am able to tell you these. Because I have nothing but these. Words.

Yours,

Ria
09.03.2021