Dear Love,

It’s been a while. Suddenly, it is August… and before we know it, the ber season is here. And 2021 will come to a close. It’s like I blinked to rest and the year went by, without much really happening to me. But really, a lot has happened since.

I would like to say I am much better. Truth is, I do not know.

But this I am certain, I have come to know, learn, and realize a lot these past few months. Whether by mistake or mere happenstance, I have come to understand more about myself. Not intentionally. Definitely not deliberately. But I welcomed it.

Like a flood, memories came rushing back. Along with it, more tears than I had expected. Countless nights spent thinking. Mulling, And yes, crying myself to sleep. I am not ok. But this time, not because of the usual reasons.

One day, I will be brave enough to tell those stories. Share those memories. Meantime, I will spend more time thinking, asking, and seeking answers. Not because I need closure, but because I need to do better. Be better.

I am not ok. My heart is not ok. My mind is clouded. My head is full of thoughts that I have never allowed myself to think about and acknowledge.

Nowadays, my days and nights are filled of endless thinking. Wondering. And yes, a certain amount of tears. But also laughter and smiles. Because along with thoughts of painful memories are wonderful memories that I will never give up or forget.

I am not ok but do not worry about it. This is something I can get through, grow through. To be honest, I feel a bit stupid and childish for having these thoughts and feelings. Quite trivial, all things considered. But maybe… just maybe this is me finally growing up and learning from my heartbreaks. And the heartbreaks I caused.

Finally, I will be able to know myself that part of me that I never took seriously or thought of sincerely. Away from the noise. Devoid of alcohol and distractions. This is a good thing. Trust me.

One day, I will have the strength to share what this is all about. But not now. Not today. Not yet.

But this I promise you and myself, I will write more often. For you. And for me. I need it.

2021, you are full of surprises. And I am ready for more.

Yours even when I do write or keep in touch,

MAJ
08.08.21
1:50 am