03/05/2019

Dear Love,

I have been meaning to write this for quite a while now. I think this letters to no one thing will be my thing now. It certainly feels like it’s what I should do. For me. And maybe for you, too. If you exist. Somewhere. Maybe in the future. But really, I think this is good for me.

Anyway, I have not been feeling myself for a few weeks now. Not sad or lonely. More like tired and uninspired. I have so many things to do. So many ideas to put into action. A to-do list like I never had. And I know I should just move forward and do. Act. Not be frozen by my feelings.

Mind you, I have also scheduled lots of me time. I have taken rest days. Sometimes 2 days at a time. But somehow it is just not enough.

I do not know. Maybe I am just really tired or need something new or exciting to spark something in me. Thing is… there are so many new and exciting things coming my way. So much new adventures (online and offline) that I am working on. And I know that I should do these things. Now.

But I feel so uninspired. Not lazy. I have been lazy before and I have definitely half-assed things in the past. This time, it’s different. I wake up each day. Do things. Accomplish things. And there is a sense of fulfillment. A happiness from being productive.

But these past 2 weeks or so, the happiness is fleeting. And I am always overwhelmed by the feeling of being uninspired. I think it comes from eating rice again. Diet is something to blame, I guess. Or maybe because I have not really indulged in anything I want to indulge in. Good food without counting calories. Or drinking like there is no tomorrow. Or maybe because I haven’t done anything fun lately. I have not watched a show or movie. Without feeling guilty or without thinking about how I could possibly create something from the experience.

I have not been out to just have fun. It has always been for work. Even if it is not for work, I end up taking photos and videos potentially for content. Or crafting something in my mind. It just never stops. And I do not know how to turn it off.

I even dream about unfinished posts or new ideas. My usual pampatulog series and fun and funny reading materials do not help clear my mind. And to be honest, I do not even want to turn it off. And maybe that’s part of my problem.

I do not know if I am uninspired to maybe just too inspired? Or maybe I am not uninspired? Just unmotivated? What is the difference really? I have so many questions and not even a Google search of what the difference and motivation is enough.

Apparently, inspiration is something internal and motivation is external. Maybe I am right then. But the bigger problem really is how to be both inspired and motivated. Tirelessly.

Do I even make sense? Bear with me. This is my way of processing my thoughts and feelings. And to be honest, I hope writing this letter will help me somehow. But here we are so many words and paragraphs into this letter and I have not figured anything out.

I do feel lighter. And laughing a little bit at myself. I feel so silly. But yes, this has helped somehow. For the moment, I feel better.

Between being uninspired and being overwhelmed with inspiration, I think I’ll choose this right now. Having too many things to do, with so many ideas than my brain and body could deal with.

I feel like I will be back here soon. Writing to you again. Maybe to unfreeze me again or to help me move forward. Maybe with good news or bad news. Probably for a therapeutic session of sharing feelings and thoughts. But this certainly reminds me why I started blogging and why I continue to do so so many years after.

Writing helps me. And it makes me happy. Hope I make sense somehow. And somewhere, sometime… you are reading this.

Love, Ria