I used to really love Macy Gray’s I Try, though I couldn’t relate to what the song is saying. But now I do and I love the song more than ever. The song captures so perfectly how I have been living my life the past few months. It’s about trying to move on and forget a past love. Sing it with me all yeah broken-hearted friends… “I try to say goodbye and I choke, Try to walk away and I stumble.”

My absolute favorite is the part that goes:

I may appear to be free
But I’m just a prisoner of your love
And I may seem all right and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
Just a front, hey
I play it off, but I’m dreaming of you
And I’ll try to keep my cool, but I’m feenin’

I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it’s clear
My world crumbles when you are not here
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it’s clear
My world crumbles when you are not here

OUCH! Can I say OUUUUCH?! That’s so true.

Though I try hard to move on and let go of the way it ended, I can’t because “I belive that fate has brought us here, And we should be together babe, But we’re not, I play it off, but I’m dreaming of you, And I’ll try to keep my cool, but I’m feenin’.” I’m not one to believe in destiny and fate but it seems like life has a way of getting me places I have never thought I’d be in, and situations which make me scream “WHUUUUUUT?!”

And us meeting and being together is one of those moments when I have let myself go and let life take its course. Unfortunately, we are not together now. And there are times (too many times, actually) when I keep on thinking that we should still be together because we’re almost perfect together and that’s not something I understand.

So everyday, I wake up and I try to move on. I try to walk away. I try to hide the pain and regrets, and I try to say goodbye. But I can’t.

I try. I really do. And I’m doing my best to move on and forget this wonderful thing we had. But I can’t.

I continue to hope that I will move on, eventually. Walk away, hide the pain, and finally say goodbye.

Meantime, I wallow in painful reminders of you and me, what we had and what we’ll probably never have. I work like there’s nothing else to do, drink, go out, and pretend to have fun.

I try to continue to live life, keep my cool, smile, and try to move on.